Powerlessness. That’s the frustration. That’s the killer. That’s the source when I feel hopeless. Alone and hopeless. When I keep doing everything I can, and yet nothing appears to be changing.
I can do everything right, and yet I cannot make someone hire me. I can be diligent about job hunting. Find a job that fits my skills, experience, and education. I can complete the online application honestly. Re-write the resume targeted to the job. Write a clean and compelling cover letter personalized to the employer. Spell check everything. Answer the call for an interview, and arrange my calendar to be there. I can prepare for the interview by brushing up on my work experiences, research the company’s products and services. I can be well groomed and well dressed for the interview. Arrive early with clean printed resume and referrals in-hand. Nice watch, pen, shiny shoes, a big smile. I can give an engaging and informative interview in which I am responsive, prepared, personable, and connect with the interviewer.
But, I cannot make someone hire me.
Time and again, I’ve done the above. Interviewing. Grateful to God for each interview. And then…nothing. An email: Thanks, but no thanks. Whew, that gets to you after a while. It plays with my mind. I fight off feelings of rejection. I try not to take it personally. I pray, God, please help me keep going. God, help me accept that last job interview was for a job that was not the right fit for me—not what You have in mind for me.
Yes, my faith has been tested these past 16 months. Tested like no other time since coming to faith, more than twenty years ago. I would like to tell you my faith is strong and I sit back each day blissfully trusting fully and completely God has everything in control. That would be a lie. The single most common or frequent thought I have about my God or faith over the past 21 years is doubt. Really. In spite of the fact, time and time again, I catch God doing for me what I cannot do for myself, doubt returns. Time and again my faith is renewed. Then suddenly the crap hits the fan, and I’m saying to myself again, “Where the hell did God go? I need a little help down here!”
Doubt followed by faith. Doubt followed by faith. Doubt, faith. Doubt. Faith. The building of my faith has been like exercising. Climb, rest. Climb, rest.
Right now, I’m climbing. If you are climbing too, here’s my hand.